J3sus! If you wanna watch a British import and laugh at it, watch one that's actually MEANT to be funny. Monty Python, Red Dwarf, etc. Not this "O nos! Teh evile garbage cans with spatulas are after us! Quickly to our low-budget space ship with only one room! My white fro will pwn teh daaaaleks!" crap. And usually that takes 4 episodes, 5 if the dog is there.

:who's your daddy:

#28615

this is one that i made up it has no real use and doesnt usually help in everyday situations

"sex is good sex is fun sex is better up the bum"

lol take it anyway you like but it helps if youre both homosexual or heterosexual :blink: ive just confused the hell outta myself

#28616

"I am not a fish."

:canadian:

#28617

Originally posted by duzk@May 22 2003, 11:54 AM
im not sure if this is particularly wise but, "life's a *****, so f*** it"

Life is like being raped. If you cannot fight back, then try to enjoy it.

:angry:

#28636

Sex isn't the answer, it is the question - yes is the answer.

#28637

It's like an albino penguin in texas, it just doesn't happen.

#28641

what you say may not imply much ...

what you imply says a lot.

#28643

________________________________________________________________________________

__________________

As much as love needs an object, love needs to be expressed.

Dan Pigg

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Anyone can become angry--that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way--that is not easy.

Aristotle

The Nicomachean Ethics

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.

Mark Twain

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

If you hear a voice within you saying "You are not a painter," then by all means paint...and that voice will be silenced.

Vincent Van Gogh

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Life's most persistent and urgent question is:

What are you doing for others?

Martin Luther King, Jr.

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

People often ask me, "What's your secret?" My only secret is that I really want to do it.

Maurilio De Zolt

Olympic skiing champion

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom.

Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

3rd U.S. President

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

You can't shrink your way to greatness.

Arthur Martinez

Chairman and CEO

Sears, Roebuck & Co.

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

I would rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn bridge than the man who sold it.

Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Humorist

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Winning a medal involves the support of many people. It's not just the athlete and the coach. It's also the guy who cleans the pool and the lady who cleans the showers. Everyone does their best so that we can win a medal. I consider myself at the tip of a gigantic pyramid of supporters who pushed me to win that medal.

Filipe Munoz

Olympic swimming champion

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

The height of your accomplishments will equal the depth of your convictions.

William F. Scolavino

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Shortcuts always cause problems.

Philip Crosby

Management consultant

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Work is the only cure for laziness.

Anonymous -

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

To find the exact answer, one must first ask the exact question.

S. Tobin Webster

Clergyman

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

What I do best is share my enthusiasm.

Bill Gates

Cofounder and CEO, Microsoft

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Don't think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm.

Malayan Proverb

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

We realize that what we are accomplishing is a drop in the ocean. But if this drop were not in the ocean, it would be missed.

Mother Teresa (1910-1997)

Catholic missionary

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.

Cindy Crawford

Model

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

I used to want the words "She tried." on my tombstone. Now I want "She did it."

Katherine Dunham

Dancer and choreographer

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

The best career advice given to the young is: "Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it."

Katherine Whitehorn

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.

Chinese Proverb

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Excellence is not an act but a habit. The things you do the most are the things you will do the best.

Marva Collins

Educator

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

You do not merely want to be considered just the best of the best. You want to be considered the only one who does what you do.

Jerry Garcia (1942-1995)

Musician

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

There is a great distance between said and done.

Puerto Rican Proverb

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Never cut what you can untie.

Joseph Joubert (1754-1824)

Writer

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.

Herman Melville (1819-1891)

Novelist and poet

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Dolly Parton

Country Western Singer

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Adversity is the best source of strength.

Japanese Proverb

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Japanese Proverb

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Far and away the best prize that life offers is the chance to work hard at work worth doing.

Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919)

26th U.S. President

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

The mind is a bit like a garden. If it isn't fed and cultivated, weeds will take over.

Erving G. Hall

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Bill Maher

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

The best thinking has been done is solitude. The worst has been done in turmoil.

Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

Inventor

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Men give me credit for some genius. All the genius I have is this: When I have a subject in mind, I study it profoundly. Day and night it is before me. My mind becomes pervaded with it. . . the effort which I have made is what people are pleased to call the fruit of genius. It is the fruit of labor and thought.

Alexander Hamilton (1757-1804)

American statesman

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett

Comedian

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience.

Goethe (1749-1832)

Philosipher and poet

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.

Peter De Vries (1910-1993)

Novelist

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

For most people forecasting is very risky business. But not for a weatherman. What an easy job he's got. All he has to say is, "There's a 50% chance of rain." Whether it rains or not, he's right.

The Executive Speechwriter Newsletter

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

As important as "hanging on" is knowing when to "let go."

Sherri Dewitt

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

I am not judged by the number of times I fail, but by the number of times I succeed. And the number of times I succeed is in direct proportion to the number of times I can fail and keep trying!

Tom Hopkins

Sales trainer and writer

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.

Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

English statesman

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

I couldn't hit a wall with a six-gun, but I can twirl one. It looks good.

John Wayne (1907-1979)

Actor

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

You are searching for the magic key that will unlock the door to the source of power; and yet you have the key in your own hands, and you may make use of it the moment you learn to control your thoughts.

Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)

Success writer

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

If you don't say anything, you won't be called upon to repeat it.

Calvin Coolidge(1872-1933)

30th President of the United States.

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

We can't all be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.

Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Humorist

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is somebody who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

Oprah Winfrey

Talk show host

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

I'm only attending school until it becomes available on CD-ROM

Anonymous sixth grader

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Great dancers are not great because of their technique; they are great because of their passion.

Martha Graham

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Be the change you want to see in the world.

Gandhi

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

If each of us can be helped by science to live a hundred years, what will it profit us if our hates and fears, our loneliness, and our remorse will not permit us to enjoy them. What use is an extra year or two to the man who "kills" what time he has?

David Neiswanger

Menninger Foundation

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

For me, reading was and is a revolutionary act. It expands my mind and gives me the necessary tools for the revolution of my spirit, the revolution of my mind, and the revolution of society. . . . Choose to read, choose to learn, choose to dream.

Bertice Berry

Entertainer

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Whatever you want to do, do it now. There are only so many tomorrows.

Michael Landon (1936-1991)

Actor

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Hope for the best.

Expect the worst.

Life is a play.

We're unrehearsed.

Mel Brooks

Film director

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

If you don't do something, nothing is going to get better.

Nathaniel Branden

Psychologist

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

When I was a kid I drew like Michelangelo. It took me years to draw like a kid.

Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)

Artist

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

What a lovely surprise to discover how unlonely being alone can be.

Ellen Burstyn

Actress

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Groucho Mark (1890-1977)

Comedian

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

May we never let the things we can't have, or don't have, or shouldn't have spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have and can have. As we value our happiness let us not forget it, for one of the greatest lessons in life is learning to be happy without the things we cannot or should not have.

Richard Evans

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Certainly there are lots of things in life that money can't buy, but it's not funny--

Have you ever tried to buy them without money?

Ogden Nash (1902-1971)

Poet and writer

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you are happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Fran Lebowitz

Writer

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Learning is discovering that something is possible.

J. Krishnamurti (1895-1986)

Philosopher

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Hard work applied properly and intelligently, and thinking in an organized manner, must lead to success.

Richard Himber

Musician and magician

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

Do you know what the greatest test is? Do you still get excited about what you do when you get up in the morning?

David Halberstam

Writer

________________________________________________________________________________

___________________

#28650

There never was child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

If you want truly to understand something, try to change it. - Kurt Lewin

A designer knows he has achieved perfection not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. - Antoine de Saint-Exup'ery

Support Cultural Diversity: Attend Both Opera & Hockey - Malcolm (Mac) Parks

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

If a first you don't succeed, give up. No use making a fool of yourself.

"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it." - W.C. Fields

If you want good service, then serve yourself. - Spanish Proverb

Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill

He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.

Pay no attention to what the critics say; no statue has ever been erected to a critic. - Jean Sibelius

When in doubt, do as doubters do.

There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

Formula for success: Underpromise and overdeliver. - Tom Peters

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people. - US Vice President J. Danforth Quayle

Don't you just hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals?

The game of life is a game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy. -Florence Scovel Shinn

Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Honor Cultural Diversity — Attend Both Opera & Hockey!!

Jumping to conclusions can be a bad exercise.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. - Douglas Adams [Last Chance to See]

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."

Love me or hate me, but spare me your indifference. - Libbie Fudim

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. - Samuel Butler

If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Grad school is the snooze button on the clock-radio of life. - Comedian John Rogers (who holds a graduate degree in physics)

Swing hard, in case they throw the ball where you're swinging. - Duke Snider

When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. - US Vice President J. Danforth Quayle

I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year. -The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

Modern man thinks he loses something - time - when he does not do things quickly. Yet he does not know what to do with the time he gains --- except kill it. - Erich Fromm

"OK, I'll admit that there is a .00000000000000005% chance that God does exist, but if he does what makes you think he gives a s**t about you" - (Attributed to) Albert Ellis

I used to think the most awful thing would be to be tortured to death slowly, but then I realized I could always be tortured to death MORE slowly. - Albert Ellis

If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. - Thomas Szasz

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." - Albert Einstein

"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep." - W. H. Auden

"I used to be a heavy gambler. Now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind." - Steve Allen

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...' - Isaac Asimov

"They accused us of suppressing freedom of expression. This was a lie and we could not let them publish it." ... from the Director of Censorship...

"Each generation must learn that the stove is hot" - Unknown

When I think over what I have said, I envy dumb people. - Seneca

Imagine a school with children that can read or write, but with teachers who can not, and you have a metaphor of the Information Age in which we live. - Peter Cochrane

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves. - Ludwig Wittgenstein, Cambridge philosopher

He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.

That life is worth living is the most necessary of assumptions, and were it not

assumed, the most impossible of conclusions. - George Santayana

Never cut what you can untie. - Joseph Joubert

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?

You can't always get what you want. But if you try, sometimes you'll get what you need.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. - Groucho Marx

Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

All that non-fiction can do is answer questions. It's fiction's business to ask them. - Richard Hughes

If God intended one space between sentences, why do we have two thumbs?

I have lived in the world just long enough to look carefully the second time into those things that I am most certain of the first time. - Josh Billings

"If you see a turtle sitting on a fence post, just remember he had some help getting there." - Unknown

If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Expert: Avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

People who live in windowed environments shouldn't cast pointers.

Do you know what a pessimist is? A person who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. - George Bernard Shaw

Human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. - William James

There are three kinds of people; those who can count and those who cannot.

So much to do, so litt(hang on a sec...)

"Education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get." - W. L. Bryan

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar Wilde

Fear is a darkroom for developing negatives.

If you board the wrong train, it's no use running along the corridor in the other direction. - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

I think, therefore I am.

I think, therefore I am, I think.

I think, therefore I am .... at least, I think I am.

I think, therefore I am .... at least, I think I think I am.

Do not confine your children to your own learning, for they were born in another time. - Hebrew proverb

program (pro'-gram) [n] A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages.

In a democracy you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Two step formula for handling stress:

1. Don't sweat the small stuff.

2. Remember that it's all small stuff. - Anthony Robbins

If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

"If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure." - Vice President Dan Quayle

#28652

Originally posted by Cetra3@May 22 2003, 08:48 AM
"I am not a fish."
:canadian:

speak for yourself!!!!! :6 :6 :6

"screw it and you'll get through it"

#28656

The power of Christ commands you!

Dr Evil (to his rotating chair)

#28658

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

#28668

Those who talk , don't know

Those who know, don't talk

#28670

That one is actually,

"Those who can, do, and those who can't, talk about it"

... I think.

#28684

As in the words of my mom: "Goddamn, cock suckin', Mother f***in', f***ERS" AND "Look at that f***er" or "What the hell was that?"

#28685